The power of speech.
I guess i realised how lethal speech can be.
because if u happen to say something wrong, it might cause a huge trouble.
i'm gladful that it has all come to an end.
though my name has not been cleared.
but i cant change how others think,
and im too lazy to argue with them anymore.
so simply forget it.
as GOD teach us, FORGIVE AND FORGET.
i'm training to do so now. lols.
went out with my clsmates to celebrate both mine and elaine's bdae.
its been long since we met up.
after A level results are released i guess? haha.
well, it has been nice.
jiayan said that i emo-ed a lot.
maybe...cause i was too free huh?
so i start to think a lot.
and because of all the things that happened in the mth of mar.
i started to change my perception of life.
be it good or bad, life still goes on...

The mth of mar finally ended.
this is seriously a terrible month.
a lot of things happened. seriously A LOT!
starting from receiving of my terrible results.
then to disappointment after all those uni open houses.
following it is the scoldings frm work.
misunderstandings frm parents.
then more disappointment frm friends who forgot abt my bdae.
and that i didnt celebrate my bday on the actual day.
i spend the whole day rather alone.
then came the nic n yp scolding thing.
the stupid shit that the tution kid is giving me.
the inability to find a better paid job.

if there is a bottomless pit in human life, i think i hit it alr.
i hope there isnt more of such things.
if not i might not be able to take it.
this one month passed real slowly.
and i thought a lot, saw a lot, understood a lot abt this world.
i dont wish to care abt anything anymore.
im seriously tired and i dont wish to continue.
looking at how smoothly other ppl's life is i wld start to feel demoralised.
looking at more ppl gettin the uni acceptance letter or calls for interview,
the more i fear that there is nowhere i can go.
GOD, pls guide me through.

i've lost the ability to trust.
lost the ablility to differentiate wad is right and wad is wrong.
lost my mood to do things.
lost my reputation thanks to some 'ANGEL'.
if this is a test that GOD is putting me through,
i can only say satan is gg to win soon.
coz i cant sit down there and treat it as though nth has happened.
coz that means i m indirectly admitting that im at fault.
i didnt even say i dun wana meet up and they can spread until MAD is a coward.
so if i dont stand up for myself now, things would be worse huh?
i am going to find out the root to all these things.
and to clarify my name.

i typed a super long post, but i deleted it.
i've decided not to be so bad to scold others in my blog.
coz that will only show how immature i am.
but wad i can say is stop all these nonsense!
and stop throwing the face of women! grow up!
i seriously cannt understand hw things can turn out this way.
but i just cant sit there and allow others to malign me for sth that i did not do.
coz if i ignore, they will continue to think that they are right.

went to kbox with bx today.
luckily the singing helped to cool me down.
then ate dinner and pooled till 11.
ok, my skill still sucks. lols.
i realise the buru trip left me with a dozen of mosquito bites!!!
my friends are starting to get calls to go down to uni for interview.
i haven receive the call.
starting to get worried now.
hope GOD will bless me...

i'm starting to get tired...
really tired of living in this world, this society.
everything is my fault.
i'm just a childish person who like to screw things up,
like to see others misfortune and laugh abt it.
im the most evil person, the worst friend.
so thats what others think of me.
i'm just a piece of rubbish, wasting oxygen in the air.
maybe i shld jus leave the world and join GOD soon.
dont force me to a corner.

HAPPY 19th bday! lols.
im 19 and a day old now. Zzz.
cant imagine that i will be 20 nxt yr! =(
well, thanks to all my friends for the bdae well wishes!=)
and thanks for the presents, time spent together.
i didnt really celebrated my bdae today. lols
well, i think that my parents think that im working real hard coz i need money.
thats why i gt a super big red packet this year frm my dad. haha.
but i work to lower their burden n to gain exp. haha.
went to my grandma hse as usual to eat the mee sua neng.
my grandma and my aunt insist tt i need to have it on every bdae. lols.
played with my 5 yr old cousin and she even wrote me a card.
went to work and i nearly got lost without jel guidin me.
thank gdness there are ppl for me to follow ard. haha!
the captain today was really very irritating. lols!
after work, went to mac to have supper with jel, gz and his friend.
cab back and here i am writing my post as a 19 yr old girl.
well, nobody can see that im 19! hehe

Supposedly i shld be happy since my bdae is coming...
but i got totally pissed by my manager ytd and i seriously think i shld quit.
was having second thoughts abt quitting since im starting to know the ppl there.
and the other manager was nice to me.
but ytd manager seriously pissed me off!
and this morning, my mood got affected by a stupid bastard.
you wana find me and talk to me, come lor!
i welcome you to come and get scolded by me like hell!
i juz cannt imagine why my friend still wana talk to him.
humans are seriously weird.
their thinking are so hard to understand.
and through work i alr see a lot of 2 faced person ard.
it starts to make me feel sick and tired of this society.
and the uni admission thing makes me think that education is bias.
they set standards so high that makes it hard for ppl like us to reach.
leaving us totally hopeless because of a piece of stupid paper.
all in all, life sucks!

This post is specially dedicated to my friends.

Thanks for celebrating my bdae for me.
Thanks for the wonderful gifts.
Thanks for making the effort to plan all these.
I really appreciated everything.

I enjoyed chatting with xiao tong's clique on fri.
gossipin and scolding ppl.
I enjoyed today coz i gt to meet my friends.
and i really appreciate wad ur write in tt book.
for the encouragement and well wishes.
i nearly cried while reading it.

I didnt sms your to say thank you because words cant express my feelings.
and i knw some of u are stalkers of my blog.
so i believe u will understand my heartfelt thanks after reading this post.

well, 4 days since i have last posted a post?
why? MAD is too busy working!
i work for 4 days in a row!
the slc camp was a bit not as nice as expected.
but as long as the motive has been achieved, its worth it.
i thot i would slp while doin my job today,
but i was totally energetic! ><
i think i have gotten used to my current cart.
since the ppl there are all very nice><
and thats because the stupid bias on probation store manager wasnt the one who planned the schedule=)
made friends this wk and i enjoyed my work.
despite all the tired moments tt i had.
and the fireworks at uss today was awesome!
i had a fantastic day! =)
but still, im still thinkin when shld i throw the white paper to quit the job...

FACES.
Diff ppl have diff kinds of faces or rather,
they put on a different set of mask when they are in diff places.
this, is wad i observed at work today.
maybe this is the reason apart from the poor management tt motivates me to quit.
well, i admit that i have a diff kind of face too,
one that i used to face my colleagues.
wad u wld see is the super quiet and emo mad. lols
coz i dont feel like taling to them.
and there isnt a need to talk to them.
but i seriously think that some people are just too overboard.
how can u manage to badmouth a person in front of the person's friend?
this is ridiculous.

I had an job offer today.
perfect location but a nt so perfect timing,
if i accept it, i have to forgo my tuition which i do not wish to.
coz i wld feel a sense of irresponsibility.
so wad shld i do?

'Be happy, young man, while you are young, and let your heart give you joy in the days of your youth. Follow the ways of your heart and whatever your eyes see, but know that for all these things GOD will bring you to judgement' Ecclesiastes 11:9


This is the bible verse that i learn from my church lesson today.
I must stay happy, because i'm still young. ><
went to uni open houses ytd.
well, i think nus is definitely NOT the sch for me.
anw with my grades i cant enter much courses there too!
well i'm nw stuck btw biological sciences and sociology.
my interest says it dosen't wana study sci.
but my mind says in arts, you might die. coz im nt really good in writing essays.
well, wad shall i choose?

TRUST.
who are the ppl that u wld trust?
how much is trust worth?
well, it all depends on the individual.
To me, the basic criteria for being a friend is that u need to trust the person.
not only with words, but its from ur heart.
it seems funny, as ppl aged, they start to trust ppl less often.
rmb when we were young, i wonder if i shld classify tt as gullible or we trust ppl too easily.
we believe every single thing tt adults say, and the promises tt they make.
as i grow older, i start to learn abt promises which are meant to be broken.
and also how ppl start to get suspicious of one another.
is this a general trend or does it happen only ard me?
i believe that if u still treat tt person as a friend,
trust him/her. believe them for every word that they say.
that, it trust.
if u start to qn their words, then the trust is lost.
with the foundation collapsing, this friendship wont be able to last.
becoz wads holding it, is only resposibility.
that u think u need to do this, not becoz ur heart ask u to do this.
i believe in my friends, so i trust wadeva they say.
and i'm glad tt my friend did not lose my trust in her by going home.
through these mths, i realised that as one grow,
you will start to see more things tt u didnt see previously
and know more abt hw the society works,
it might be gd it might be bad,
but it all depends on the individual.
my advice for the day, TRUST YOUR FRIEND.

10-3-10.
Mad is trying her very best to return to her old self.
well, i might not be as talkative as i am in the past.
not as bubbly as i used to be but yea im starting to get over the A level facts.
oh well, went to search for caiyi's present today.
we toured almost the whole of orchard and my legs nearly break!
i knw my friends are trying to avoid talking abt certain issues or topics.
hopefully things can get better as time goes on. =)
and my tuition kid totally asked for a beating today.
he actually scolded me the f word that i detest the most!
thank goodness i controlled my temper.
if not god knows wad i might do to him?
thinking tt he is young n ignorant, i shld forgive him.
hias, nw i need to think, shld i change my job?

I guess my previous post triggered a lot of reponses from my friend.
lols. it seems like everyone isnt saying anything.
yet, you are all stalking my blog huh?
stop saying sorry. cause by sayin sorry u make me feel bad.
it sounds as though i was forcing ur to say sorry.
and i knw ur did care.
juz tt u didnt knw hw to express it.
so after tt post everyone know how to express their care and concern alr.
i dunno if i did a wise choice by writing tt post.
but all i know is this stupid piece of A lvl cert is not going to destroy the friendship tt i had with my friends.
no matter what, life still goes on.
and i cant blame any of u for all these.
i was the one who was stupid and the one who caused all these.
if i did well for A levels, all these wouldn't be happening isn't it?
but i dont blame anyone, not even GOD.
coz i knw he has a purpose for doin this.
maybe he is trying to let me put myself in the shoes of those friends who didnt do well, so i could console them and encourage them.
though i knw hw to help others, i dunno hw to help myself.
such an irony huh? haha. well, mad will pull through it. no worries.

FRIENDS.
I'm starting to lose the meaning of this word and the word friendship.
heard from my cousin tt his friend said it was difficult to be his friend.
because my cousin didnt show him any concern, so they arent friends anymore.
come to think of it.
if i'm like his friend, then i wont have any friends anymore.
after i gt back my a lvl results, some friends didnt even bother to talk to me.
some ask for my results and didnt say anything.
some console me, but tts only for tt few moment and after tt, nth else.
so did i receive a lot of care n concern from them? maybe, maybe not.
if you think tt by not talking to me or leaving me alone it wld be better.
let me tell u this, you are only sending me a signal tt my results are driving our friendships apart.
and how strong can friendship be?
last time i used to think tt it can be described by using ionic bond.
now? friendship seems to be just a thin piece of paper.
it can be torn, smeared anytime.
i knw some of my friends are planning for my bdae.
but wad is the use of planning it when i dont even have the mood to celebrate it?
even if u buy me abalone, i wld not be happy.
wad i need is simply some care and concern.
knowing my character, i dont like to say things out.
so if u wana know, you have to ask.
come to think of it, i used to go out with my friends so often.
but after A lvls, not anymore.
why do ppl always wait for me to ask them out or talk to them
why not the other way round. do i always have to be the one asking?

Its been 2 days since i got back my results...
am i feeling better? yes.
have i gotten over it? no.
unfortubately, no, no, no!
i tried my best to forget, and realise its hard.
once i'm alone, i'll start to think...
wad wld happen in future? which course can i go? wad if the uni would nt accept me?
and the lousy results tt i get for A's.
how impossible it is that my best subjects failed me.
then tears wld start to stream down my cheeks.
failure is sth tt i still cannt accept.
i realise it is better for me to go out.
cause when im outside talking to others, i wont think tt much.
went to smu open hse with amanda. it was funny.
coz i went to listen to the talk for my dream course knowing very well tt i cannt get in.
i dont even dare to put it in my first choice coz im afraid if i do, i might even lose my spot in another course tt i think is a dumping ground.

went to church today, when my friends asked abt my results, the ans was bad.
and they say sure can get into the uni course u wan right? i said no.
biz so hard to get in meh? was their reply.
yes, need at least AABB. and their reply was didnt u even get tt?
no. no. no!!!!!!!
and i felt like crying again, but im better at controlling my emotions now.
my cousin said tt im those person who belong to affirmative words.
i like ppl to say things tt i like and i treat wadeva they say very importantly.
so when i gt bacck my results, i immediately thought of wad caiyi said.
score badly and go poly with her. and now, i fulfilled half of her wish. lols.
and before gg knew my results, she said, i wont talk to dumb ppl.
and before she sms me to say she was jk after knwing my results, i alr took it seriously.
yes i am dumb, im stupid. thats maybe why i joined jc huh?
im just a stupid gal. so stay away frm me in case the disease of being stupid might spread... ...

why cant ppl stop asking abt my results.
why cant ppl stop comparing results.
yea, all my friends did better than me! satisfied?!!
i passed A lvls, so wad?
i cried, not becoz i did well, but on the contuary, my results sucks.
to my family members who know nth abt A lvl.
passing is good for them, but definitely not for me.
coz the results are a huge blow to me.
i expect more frm my h2.
and looking at hw well my other friends did, i dont feel like talkin anymore.
and when anyone ask abt my results, i juz feel like crying again.
19 years of my life, the 1st time i cried for a result.
guess i scare some of my friends huh?
haha. but i realise the true friends are still the sec sch friends.
but still, i didnt say much coz i kept thinking tt im fine, im fine.
to be frank, im still not fine...

The cheerful mad is dead today...

COUNTING DOWN TO THE RELEASE OF RESULTS IN LESS THAN 24 HOURS...
tick tock tick tock...
i wonder if im able to slp well tonight?
and i kept thinking about the day when i got my o lvl results.
will i be able to be tt happy tmr when i get back a lvl result?
well, i wasnt worrying abt it.
until ppl ard kept asking me how do i feel.
and the numerous i think i cannt make it de sayings frm my friends.
even my mum asked how i feel today!!!
oh well, wad im most afraid of is not facing the future.
but rather facing the expectations of loved ones.
like my family members, cousins and friends.
everyone proclaims tt i can do well, so i hope i can.
they have been giving me hope. so i do not wish to disppoint anyone.
including myself.
it seems as though tmr is a big day. but it wld only be just another day.
coz no matter wad results i get, life still goes on.


had my first driving lesson today.
i got this feeling. i know why ppl say ladies cant drive.
coz i doubt i can drive well, so many things to rmb!
shld have taken auto instead! lols!
well well, i need to pass my driving. i have to.
coz my parents expect me to pass. and i nvr failed their expectations b4.
so i will strive to succeed no matter wad! ><

today is wed. which means 2 more days to doomsday. lols!
went to caiyi hse to play mahjong today.
supposed to meet gwen for lunch, but she told me she was too full,
so i ate with caiyi instead.
and caiyi taught me hw to play texas poker and another game which i forgt the name! haha. stm lar. getting old le. =(
played and i lose quite a lot of money.
still got bao by hui. lols.
but i rather lose in mahjong than to get lousy results.
so i rather use my luck on fri nt today. haha!
chiong to teach tuition.
i actually taught for 2 and a half hr today!
exceeded an hr to teach him how to complete his hw!
argh. seriously if the kid was my son,
i'll slap him and ask him to use his brain! lols.
maybe this is why they say guys dont think in pri sch. haha!

today is a very eventful day.
went out early in the morning to swim with gg.
thought she couldnt wake up but she did.
haha. so yea, finally met up with her.
went to the swimming pool at sk. my 1st time there!><
the place was rather nice. haha><
chiong to meet hui after i lunch-ed with her at macs.
went to watch 72 tenants of prosperity.
there were a LOT of hk actors in tt show! lols.
before tt went to archade lar.
and hui is the first partner tt i got who can get into the final stage of basketball with me! lols.><
walked ard, chit chat then home swt home.
saw this bag tt looks cute, saw a hoodie tee too. haha
but shall wait for my sister. she will be my atm for the mth! ><
ohh and i heard that i finally gt my RWS de pay for jan n feb.
though it is pathetic, but still, better than nth! haha.
played mj @ viwawa with hui/ning, kl n cy until 2am. lols.

writing this post, i started to rmb wad hui told me.
tt she hated my post abt the mixer,
coz she wanted to buy me one for my bdae.
and nw she got to rethink of gifts.haha
and if u are intending to bring me for a swim, yea i alr been there><
ms keep asking me to go out on sat. lols
bur mad is not gg anw if results are below expectation.
wads my expectation huh? AAAB B?
sounds impossible, but tt was my aim since i entered jc.
though i didnt manage to achieve any of them for 2 years. lols.

i spent the whole morning editting my blogshop!!!
hope it looks better now. and there are more stuff there><
hope i can get more orders. haha.
it has been confirmed that fri is the BIG day.

5 Mar 10 2:30pm

its either i survive or i'll die on tt day. lols.
sounds serious ehh?
so far i haven heard anyone who have been saying that they can do well.
but its impossible tt we all didnt do well isnt it? lols
and im sure some friends (esp ams) will come and ask me for my results.
oh well, if my results are great, i wouldn't mind sharing the joy.
but if my results are below expectation, ill just leave the sch.
and head to the archade or to some place where i can be alone.
to sit there crying out my woes or to vent my anger.
because i know tt the world is unfair.
thats why i knw that there might be friends who wld do better than me even if they didnt put as much effort as i did in studying.
and to be frank, i didnt give my 100% effort.
so i dont know wad to expect on this fri. wadeva the results, its all GOD's will.