Darkness. thats wad i am seeing.
a bleak future ahead.
think i got to think of plans if i really didnt get into any uni.
dont think im losing hope.
i'm still holding on to wadeva little hope that i might have.
i dunno wad to say abt the interview today.
fancy writing an essay after putting down the pen for 4 mths coming 5.
the interview looks more like a chat with the prof.
but when he told me they are only accepting half the intake than they did last yr,
hopes crashed.
60 candidates out of 1000. what are my chances of getting in?
slim i might say, but im still hoping.
awaiting for GOD to ans my prayer and for miracle to appear.
the other miracle wld be to pass my driving test.
my test is in another 2 mths, yet i only had 8 lessons so far.
the instructor is startin on his drama again.
think i had enough of the story. lols!
he made me lose my concentration today and i gave him a near accident.
THAT woke him up and stopped all that ghostly nonsense.
well, im glad he stopped but that is not the best method to stop it.
talk abt risking my life in it. lols!
i'm still holding on to hope... ...

Another glimpse of hope.
I'm praying that i will nt lose that hope.
GOD, pls let the letters come quick.
if not, i might die of anxiety.
I might seem to be paranoid now.
but this IS normal.
cause the a4 size letter is going to determine my FUTURE.
i'm not kidding you but this is the importance of tt letter.
GOOOSSSHHH, why am i living in such a pragmatic society?

Jealousy, it can kill.
looking at posts on fb for ppl who publish that they have received several letters from uni, i'm filled with envy.
there is nth i could do, but to congratulate my friends.
they have done well, and they deserved to be praised.
thats me, on the outside.
deep inside i'm worried...
i feel like publishing when is it my turn to get the letter.
but i wont do this. i know i won't.
cause the comment i get would be the same.
the same one as wad i use to comfort friends with similar results as i had.
oh come on, when can this whole uni thing end?

问世间情为何物？
看见身边的人，一个个为爱受伤，我开始怀疑，爱，到底能带给人欢乐，还是悲伤？
爱，是一个简单却很难理解的一个字。
我渴望找到爱我的人，渴望有个美好的人身，这难道不是每个人的梦想吗？
遇到了挫折，我想要爬起来， 想要重新过一个新的人身，为何我还是回到了原点？
没有工作，没有梦想， 没有目标的人身。
是我太笨了，把世界想得太好，太完美。
我真得很想出国，希望回到泰国做义工，和那些小孩子过着没有烦恼日子。
看见世界的变化，我开始感到我活地很累，很没有意义。
我不说话是因为我真的累了。
也许没有人知道，我常常用睡觉来逃避。
因为在睡梦中，我就不需要面对这个世界。
我看似比别人坚强，可是我也是个普通人，我也一样喜欢被人关心，被人疼爱。
我拼命的在找工，不是因为我爱钱，而是因为我想要让工作来麻崔自己。
我感觉不到别人对我的关心与疼爱。
我只是感到寂寞与孤单。
口头上的问候与关心只是短站的。
我不要朋友和家人因为我说的这番话感到伤心，失望。
我只想要大家给我一点时间来了解我自己，让我好好的去想我的未来该怎么走。
也希望多一点人能够了解我。我喜欢吃什么，喜欢做什么，伤心事会做什么，身为我身边的好朋友，好家人，你们知道吗？

I'm a GLUTTON today.
went to ubi driving centre intendin to get a practical test date, but sadly the counter closed at 12... ...=(
took bus down to orchard to meet xt's clique and as usual i was the first to reach.
went to eat at asian kitchen.
it felt as though we were a family of 4 eating together. haha!
the food there was nice but there is a price to pay...
sitting beside jel i got the usual kick and poke when someone mentions sth she is excited abt. haha.
walked ard and i waited for yt to reach.
started to tour orchard as usual combing for bags!
i start to feel that if someone blindfolds me in future, i will still be able to rmb wher the shops in far east are. haha!
walked ard and chat.
eating with yt was the best part.
coz the dinner was cheap and super filling!
ate omelette noodle, meatballs, chicken sticks and cakes!
now i feel so fat. argh. shall do some exercises.

Maybe i'm startin to know more abt myself.
that i'm really not a person who can spend time alone.
cause when i'm alone i'll feel sad.
but when i'm with ppl i can be very cheerful.
though i'll feel broke after i meet up with others.
but i think the money spent is worth it.
cause u might nvr know when we might neet and talk again.
always cherish wadeva u have before u lose it. friendship is one of them.

Fear.
i'm feeling nervous now. dunno wad shld i expect.
tmr morning is the interview which will determine my future.
i hope that i would be able to do well so i would have no regrets.
tmr i would have my ftt too. i'm afraid if i might fail.
i think i have alr lost my confidence.
i also lost my judgement of things.
maybe these are all GOD's plan.
i just have to accept it.
hopefully everything will turn up well.
life is full of uncertainties.
without stepping out, you will never knw hw vast is the world.
without failing, you wld not have success.
without a fall, you will not learn hw to grow.
i've experienced all sorts of things this year.
seen through life, friendship and kinship.
My life is no longer like the story in fairy tales where all things end with a happy ending as reality is cruel.
If things could go back, there are many things that i would like to change.
Many, many things... ...

Yet another day passed.
it seems as though i saw a glimmer of hope when i received the call frm SMU to go down for an interview.
I was elated, yet at the same time afraid.
fear is constantly gripping me.
the fear that i may screw up the interview.
the fear that i may not end up in any uni.
it seems as though im a fool.
my mind is too simplistic for this world.
nothing can be definite.
since i always place high expectations and high trust, but ended up getting hurt.
i thought my career path has been settled.
but nw i think im in a worse position becoz im stuck.
the admin job is jus like another uss job.
wher i may nt even work once a wk but still have to reserve my time for it.
why is my luck so bad at jobs? why cant the jobs that i find be as gd as those that my friends have been working.
maybe its too late for regrets.
the world will still continue to move each day,
i have to move on too... ...

I had a GREAT time celebrating edel's bdae ytd! =D
it has been long since the jc clique met up and chit chat...
well, we say we wld plan for a meeting once a mth but if it wld succeed im nt sure.
i think the super cold cup of giantic milk tea aggravated my cough.
thats why i cough so much until i lost my voice this morning.
i got a shock myself coz i was still half aslp.
and when i was tryin to ans my mum's qn i realised no sound came out!
the first thought was SHIT!
and thanks to this, i have to cancel two tuition and skip my korean class today.
cause i dont wana spread my virus ard...

my driving instructor is seriously scaring me.
he kept talking abt hw he has seen the 'unseen' people in his army days 29 yrs ago.
and that he nearly commit suicide and went to IMH!
initially i wasnt afraid.
but today he hold on to my hand while i was driving and ask i shld forget abt this case isn't it. I shldn't be scared of it anymore.
worse was i duno who he called but he certainly sounded like he was crying while talking abt this incident to the person.
Eww. so scary. I'm alr a slow learner when it comes to driving.
If he continues to scare me, i doubt i can learn well huh? haha

DECISIONS.
i guess im turning more insipid as i grow older.
i'm starting to lack the ability to make the right decisions.
can't choose the right job that can help me earn money.
can't choose the right person to be my friends.
can't talk to my parents abt my working life since it is in a mess.
can't get used to driving despite pumping in 100 over dollars alr.
hias. my life has been stuck in this pit for rather long.
when will it rise up to the peak again?

during service ytd, kelvin told us that we shld thank GOD.
because we are lucky.
we do not need to worry abt food.
we do not need to worry abt looking for a shelter.
we do not need to worry abt natural disaster.
we do not need to worry abt the lack of receiving education.(i might start to worry abt this now)
I thank GOD for all these things but i'm also praying that HE will guide my way and get me out of this pit real soon...

ahh. i hate to fall sick.
why did GOD allow viruses to attack our immune system! =(
i hate the feeling of being weak.
GOD, pls make me well soon!
sore throat, fever and running nose faster go away!
when someone is sick they will yearn for concern.
cos that is the period of time that u will be most vulnerable.
but have i received any concern? i dunno.

GOD pls guide my way.
Is it under ur plan that im like an odd job runner now?
diff job, diff pay diff kind of stress im facing.
but most of the time im still slackin at hm!
and i dont see income coming in...why?
hmm. i dunno. lols.

DECISIONS.
did i make the wrong decision?
sometimes i feel that life is like a joke.
when i was searching for a job, there isn't any.
when i make a decision, other better opportunities starts to knock on my door.
they make my heart waver, thinking abt the wad if.
how gd wld it be if we could turn back in time.
if we really could, i will stop it in 2006 or 2009.
despite the tough time i had struggling for exams,
these are the best years of my life.
wher i have nth to worry abt apart frm achieving the perfect score.
it's such an irony.
when i'm studying, i yearn to work.
i wld admire the ppl who are working and earning money.
now when i'm working, i admire those who study.
cause they do not have to worry abt anything apart frm results.
they do not worry abt their income.
they have friends beside them in clsrm to share their woes.
how i miss those days. . .

My fav shakesphere's quote is
"Life is like a stage, where all men n women are merely actors"
our life is just like a never ending drama.
constantly filled with happiness, anger, agony, temptations, desire, hatred n love.
i do not only want to be the actor, but i yearn to be the scriptwriter.
but GOD is the only scriptwriter of this whole drama.
i just want to see how my story wld end... ...

It has been a week since i have posted a new post.
A week can be considered long or it can be considered short.
finished watching GOS and it seriously make me feel like studying.
it makes me feel how not motivated i was when im studyin for A levels.
Many things happen after A levels.
i might have blamed GOD in the first place.
but i have to admit, it was after A level that i managed to interact with the world.
i seemed to be living in my own world for the previous 19 years.
there is no right or wrong in the world.
there is no peace or perfection that we are aiming for.
the world is a chaotic place. a place where it makes it hard for kind souls to exist.
A place where there is often denial, a lack of security.
A place that makes u start to feel as though no one truely understands u.
you might want others to care for you, but to some u are neglecting them.
we choose our lives, the path we want to take, but are we able to take up the challenges that faces us ahead?

SORRY.

This is one of the best word invented i guess.
the use of this word is so magnificant that ppl have to forgive you no matter wad.
my tution kid likes to scold me and say sorry after i refuse to help him with his hw.
the person who bought clothes frm my blog like to mia during meetup and say sorry the next day.
learning frm GOD, i have to forgive them.
just like how GOD forgive me whenever i say sorry after i sin isn't it?
the world likes to play with words now.
as the freedom of speech is getting more and more liberal in the society.
the way ppl speak changes.
is this some sort of evolution of speech? ... ...

i'm amazed by kids these day.
vulgarities seem to be as common as drinking water.
they scold without even knowing the meaning.
and u wld be amazed, when words like this come out frm their mouths.
shldn't someone at that age be demure and innocent?
the world has changed i supposed.
ppl no longer are as innocent as they are.
hmm, i duno hw to educate them also. lols.


i'm watchin a show called pasta now.
not eating pasta ok, its a korean show.
i realise that all the korean gals wld choose the ppl who are most cruel and bad to them in the beginning.
isn't this funny? haha.
why wouldnt u choose someone who treats u well to be ur future partner?
maybe this is also a part of human nature.
that we like torture in a sense. haha.

this is my 100th post. lols!
went for interview today with elaine.
though we both gt the job but she rejected it.
so i intro wenyi inside then. haha.
well, went to give tuition.
the kid was funny. coz he keep saying timetable is hard to rmb.
he requested for games so i taught him hangman.
he said he never play this game before!
i didnt knw there can be age gap huh? haha
went home to have dinner.
its been long since i stayed at home for dinner.
watched pasta until her called me out.
she is funny though. ask me out and celebrated a super belated bdae for me with a cupcake! haha
i really appreciate it though. ><
i'm startin to feel tat my old life is coming back! =)

2/4/10...
i really had a GREAT TIME shopping on that day.
a BIG THANK YOU to JELENA=)
i think it was all under GOD's plan.
that we were able to end work early and go shopping.
though i think i spend a lot...
on clothes and pedicure, i had great fun!
it was an awesome day and i thank god for it=)

It has been nice to be able to meet up with friends for small talks.
I realised that after JC, there has been lots of changes.
some of you might have noticed it, while some have not.
be it friends or not, i realised that this has no longer place any difference.
we can still be considered friends, even if we meet up for less than 10 times a yr.
I like it when u treat me as a friend and tell me everything.
how u feel etc.
but i hope that there isn't any ulterior motive behind it.
i believe you dont so dont lose my trust.
you can talk abt ur work, i dont mind.
i realise that many things in life has alr lost their meaning.

anw, today is GOOD FRIDAY.
the day that jesus died for us in a cross.
so we shld repent since he alr washed away our sins for us.
and thank HIM for wadeva we are given.